I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
