I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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