I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
