we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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