rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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