my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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