so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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