I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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