someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
