hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
