Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
