it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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