I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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