his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
