If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
