mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
