just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
