My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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