I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
