My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
