A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
