honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
