hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
