I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
