Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
