so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
