just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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