Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
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