The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
