i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
