i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
