Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
