Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
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It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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