if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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