He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
