rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
