i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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