I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I believe in your delicious
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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