It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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