Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
