I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
