They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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