Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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