I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
