Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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