Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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