I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
