So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
