so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
