I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
