i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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