what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
