my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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