This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
