do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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