So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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