I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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