the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
foreskin is a definite game changer
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
