Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
